21 days here. To my memory it doesn’t seem so but, to my body, it does. I have had quite the journey. Many nights I have gone to bed either frustrated or…elated. I feel as though I have hit the breaking point.

If I have to experience just one more mosquito in my rice, one more pair of 3-day wet pants, one more spider web to the face, one more spiny palm spine in my hand, one more bug bite on the arch of my foot, one more inconvenient rainy day that makes it impossible to go out and collect data just four days before we have to leave, one more time the suctioning of the shin-deep mud removes the boot from my foot causing me to fall over, one more cut from a terrestrial bromeliad, one more venomous snake to nearly step on, one more cluster of harvestmen spiders to fall in my hair, one more fish-hook vine that snags my hair and prevents me from getting home on time for dinner, one more butt-slide down a muddy hill caking my pants and backpack with mud…

Just one more breathtaking vibrant streak of color from the fluttering wings of a morpho butterfly, one staring contest between me and a caiman floating below the surface of the water, one more canoe trip with a river otter, one more game of hide and seek with a troop of capuchins, one more game of tag with a very aggravated male howler monkey, one more rainy morning sitting under a tarp with my partner marking over 200 spiders with paint, one more chorus of the Montezuma’s Oropendola up in the canopy that makes me feel like I am in an underwater casino, one more army ant swarm to burst from the forest beside me that is accompanied by the blue-faced ant birds waiting to catch a meal from the small insects fleeing the ants, one more moment of hysterical laughter in the middle of the forest with my partner, one more blood-chilling moment, bent over, removing soil from a leaf cutter ant nest, only to hear a low growl and turning around to see the bold looming presence of a jet-black jaguarundi watching over me, one more endless moment of eye contact with that predator, one more quiet moment beneath all of the diverse leaves of the canopy, just one more pink sunset on the river…

I am at the breaking point between insanity and discovery. Being here has made me realize that I love every moment that I have out in the forest, even the ones involving mud. However, I have also realized that science is very much like art, fantastic and wonderful to create, but as a profession, the need of money causes the passion for the work to diminish. I still find that I have much to learn before a decision is made, and I am looking forward to what my decision is.